NATA Online - Quotes

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Quotes

A Colemanballs for the Tartan Army - here are some quotes from NATA's travels but please email any suggestions to Paul. Please also see this section's special disclaimer.

"With that many drunk guys in kilts, it's inevitable that someone's going to get hit by a helmet every now and again" - Paul rationalises the John Carew viking hat incident after the disallowed penalty in Oslo.

"He's really good at procrastinating. He was going to do some later, but he's decided to do it tomorrow instead." - Paul on Rich's go-getting dynamic attitude in Norway.

"It's beyond ned; it's ned squared" - Disco Keith makes his feelings clear.

"Is that what you asked for, or was it a ginger BEER?" - Rich questions Paul on his facial hair in Amsterdam.

"I think we're planning to go on a ned safari; you know, see them in their own environment!" - Ally on his plans ahead of the Iceland home match.

"Why don't you just buy one? I wouldn't want a knitted one!" - Rich fails to really understand the concept of an Aran jumper.

"It tastes just like Belgian beer" - Ally, summing up his thoughts on the Belgian beer Maredsous, in Amsterdam.

"Leave the doom and gloom to those of us who know best" - Kev to Paul before the Iceland game

"You look just like James McFadden" - Helen to Paul on the day of the Iceland game, getting carried away with his 'mid-life crisis' spiked hairstyle

"That makes Pamela Anderson look average" - Rich on Paul's ample décolletage

"Fertilise this woman!" - Drunk Icelandic ex-handball star to Paul after the game

Helen (about Rich): "If you lean on him, he cuddles back..."
Rich (to Helen): "Get your f*cking hands off me!"

"I''ve just nailed the nail on the head" - Helen nails another quote

"That'll put hairs on your eyes!" - Paul on Brennvin

"You should just print that photograph straight onto tissue" - Helen to Paul on the photo of her wearing glasses

“What are the odds on that?” - Mick North Croy on the statisticians conference taking place in Skopje at the same time as the Scotland game

“It's not often that you're outnumbered by women in business class, but then, you are the only one in a skirt” - Helen to Paul

“The shower is only for comedy value” - Helen on Skopje's Holiday Inn's facilities

“I've only smoked once and that was train from Thessaloniki to Skopje... I got off the train and thought I needed patches!” - Rich

“If I was you, I'd be too busy getting my haircut!” - Bruce to Rich

Paul: “Where's your sense of adventure?”
Bruce: “Gav's got it!”

“She laddered them? I thought you said she'd lathered them! That's a completely different story!” Bruce on tights

“It's easy to find – just get to the top of the stairs and follow your nose!” - Rich on the toilets in the Hotel Jadran

Sharon: “Is that us in the kitty?”
Paul: “No – you've only tickled the frenulem”

“They've gone home to f*ck like Roman gods” - Bruce explains an early departure

“The problem with Brazilians and Hollywoods is every c*nt's got one” - Rich on pubic fashion

“There's a hotel room somewhere missing a pair of curtains” - Bruce on Mark's kilt

“The thing is, when you're done, you can dry your dishes with it” - Steve on Mark's kilt

“In a few years, you'll all be wearing these” - Mark on Mark's kilt

"The one in the toga - is he gay?" - Rich, some days later, on Mark's kilt

Paul: “I think the barmaid is quite cute, but she does look a bit like Princess Fiona from Shrek"
Rich, after 5 minutes: “I think she looks like Mel Smith”

"My rehydration strategy [i.e. by drinking several litres of water before the game] was based on my usual strategy for home games, just with a different liquid!" - Paul on how he coped with the Macedonian heat

“Is that under-15 stone?” - Jim Brown quizzes Paul on his youth football career

“You really are Flat Earth? I feel I'm in the presence of a celebrity!” - Mad Dog 20/20 from the TAMB on meeting Ally

Helen on Macedonian spirit Rakija: “It helps you to digest your food...”; Paul: “Aye, by corroding it!”

"It's like they say - 'you can't teach a duck to suck eggs!'" - Helen mixes her metaphors quite comprehensively

"You look uncomfortable. Are you worrying that this isn't the sort of pub where they're used to seeing a man wear a pink ribbon in his hat?" Paul to an apprehensive-looking Rich in Peter's Pivnice in the Brevnov suburb of Prague.

"Do you know this is my second monastery of the day? I'm making a habit of this!" Paul on his failed visit to find the pub in Brevnov Monastery (which was shut for refurbishment)

Thanks to Chris Houston for this one:
Czech burd (to wendy): "Why are you wearing that hat?"
Chorus from all four Scots: "It's Scottish"
Burd: "Are you Scottish?"
Four Scots: "Yes"
Burd: "Then where arer your kilts?"
<4 Scots, in kilts, look downwards, dumbfounded>
Burd: <walk away in silence>

Rich on almost going home at a reasonable hour in Prague: "I'd called it a night...", Wullie "... and then you called it a day!"

"It's very cherry-y" - Chris B sums up the taste of Belgian Kriek beer

"I've got a big tongue and I'm... actually, I won't say any more" - Paul knows when to stop.

Chris B: "Last time I spoke to Blow Job Jenny, she told me she'd never had an orgasm!"; Bruce: "That's because she keeps putting them in the wrong hole"

"They might just be the best toilets in the world" - Rich E waxes lyrical about the Greenwich bar's toilets in Brussels

"It's alright to drink the water here as we're not abroad" - Chris B struggles with putting a pin in Brussels on the big map of Britain.

"It's got a full blown cock" - Chris B eloquently sums up a canine statue in Brussels. Possibly taking the words right of her old friend "Blow Job Jenny's" mouth at the same time

"She's got a food baby. Usually it's delivered the next morning" - Emma eloquently sums up the effects of a good meal.

Rich E: "Can I have some beer with my head?"; Emma: "You're lucky to get head!" - Emma whilst playing mother with the jug of lambic beer in A La Becasse

"She doesn't have baps, she has cottage loaves" - Emma on Sharon's breasts. Unfortunately not literally.

"No, no, no... It's not seven inches, it's only three-and-a-half" - Rich confesses to Ally. About the positioning of his shirt lettering.

"Do you think he's been slipping me his weight?" - Paul comments on Stevie's decreasing waistline, in contrast to his own.

Paul: "Rebecca Loos w*nked off a pig...", Rich (interrupting): "Yeah, she'd been pulled over for speeding" - Alas Allison and Ross discussing Beckham's alleged affair and her subsequent rise to infamy on reality TV

Paul: "It's dark, but it's still a lager", Rich: "That may be, Paul, but it looks like Darth Vader's spunk" - Rich on West Brewing Company's own Dunkel beer

Paul: "It's character-building stuff", Ally: "I'll certainly be able to build a character with that when it comes back out!" - Ally shares Rich's sentiments on the Dunkel beer

"The Weegie William Shatner" - Bruce acclaims Paul's poetic spoken word take on "I Will Survive" on the Allison Arms' karaoke.

"I'm saving breasts. They need protecting" - Rich explains why his glengarry hat sports a pink ribbon pin badge.

"You've left a lot of people standing - it usually means you're desperate for a shite!" - Rich's response to Paul explaining that he often walks too fast...

"If it was a tarantula, I wouldn't have picked it up just because it was hairy" - Ally, om picking up hairy things (can't remember the full conversation, regrettably)

"You can want to be Scottish as much as you like, but if you're not: you're not" - Helen coming to terms with her disadvantage

"If I'd known marriage was this good, I'd have done it loads of times before!" - Paul on married bliss

"Camel Juice" - Ally toasting in Georgian (correct pronounciation: "Gamar-joos")

"I think Georgia could be the potato skin..." - Susan mixes her metaphors to predict trouble ahead

"Mark, Steve and Mitch - we call them the 'Fun Size Tartan Army'!" - Ally

"I quite like the rugby top that Mark was wearing. Only problem is the one he was wearing was the right size to hang from my rearview mirror" Ally on Mark's apparel at the game (the 2007 away rugby top)

"True. But that doesn't rule out the fact that women in Aberdeen are ugly as well!" - Mark to Susan after a discussion on the vagaries of global attractiveness

Mark: "We did everything the wrong way round in Moldova! We ended up in separate cars with gangsters..."; Paul: "What were you doing? Dogging!?"

"I was at a wedding... I f*cked off to the game... I missed the soup course" - Iain Clarkson sums up his experience of the Ukraine game.

"McBadger? He's the lead singer of the Rolling Stones, isn't he?" - Rich flips from Chris' discrimination case to musical trivia

"Rich, you're going to have to join up your words every now and again to form a sentence" - Paul tries to straighten out Rich's tied tongue

"If her face were as tight as her arse, she'd be a good looking girl" - Rich recounts a Parisien barmaid

"Is that Rabbi Burns?" - Kenny H on Paris' Jewish district

"Would you like to taste my nuts?" - Campbell proffers his morsels to Sharon on the Eurostar.

"At least the hotel has fantastic acoustics" - Paul after another door-slamming competition in the Ibis Hotel corridors on the morning of the Paris win.

"I've just walked into Paul's nightmare!" - Sharon describes the world's smallest bathroom to Bruce.

"My b*llocks are fine; it's the thigh-chafing that gets me" - Bruce on the joy of talc.

"I'm going to start wearing cycling shorts - I'll look like Axl Rose" - Bruce on the continued problem of his thighs.

"Helen will be delighted when I die, as the other woman in Paul's life will be gone. I'm like the Camilla in their relationship" - Rich

"After the dream I've just had, I hate to think what state my sheets are going to be in when I wake up on the morning of the game" - Paul, after the 1-0 win in Paris

“I don’t care if I don’t get it tomorrow – I’ll get it the rest of the week!” – Susan. On breakfast.

Paul on his fitness regime: “I get off one or two tram stops early…”; Ally “… and get a taxi?”

“I woke up the next morning wishing I’d gone back to that Irish pub” – Ally on the Tuesday night in Graz, on the pub he spent the last 3 hours of the night in.

Helen on “young” Austrian wine: “So, does this turn into real wine later?”; Ally: “No, it turns into urine!”

Paul speaking to an Austrian about his kilt: “There are 8 yards of material in this kilt…”; Austrian guy: “No wonder!”

“It dispelled the myth that NATA are only there for the football” – Paul on Bruce’s Vilnius map reading skills

“Get your kepabs out” – Susan

“Smoke Martini with Laphroaig; if you want a really smoky one, have it with Cutty Sark” – Ally gets topical with his cocktail

“Quieten down. This is not Majorca!” – A Viennese bar owner to an excitable Norton

“Yeast, hops, barley and water. Then Helen mentioned it to the doctor, got some pills and it all cleared up” – Paul discusses brewing with Norton

“Two plus two is still two” – Lynne talks about her career in financial services

“Temperance? This is more like Deliverance…” – Bruce and Norton discuss the bar that isn’t in Majorca

“At least it doesn’t smell as bad as yours…” – Helen to Norton and Paul. And I’ve no recollection of what she was talking about.

“You’re on pills 20 years earlier than I was – this is the time to dance” – dancing and diabetes with WESTA’s Godfather of Soul.

“My Italian is pretty expansive – I can say two things: “Hello Beautiful” and “Can I have a receipt”. And they’re not related…” – Bert on his linguistic prowess

“Helen, I’m finished – can you flush the toilet for me?” – Ally critiques Helen and Paul’s relationship

“Whatever will kill him quickest!” – Stevie’s response to the tobacconist asking what brand of fags were required by Andy Mac

"It would be like watching someone trying to shift a wardrobe" - Rich on why not having a first dance at the wedding was better for Helen.

"But I can't do straight" - Rich. No explanation needed.

"She's trying to sell t-shirts by not wearing one" - Sharon on the Sports Cafe barmaid's cunning strategy

"He looks just like a Scotland fan. Only smaller" - Paul on Bruce's dimunitive pal Aaron.

"It was a classic love story: pygmy meets pygmy, both fall in love..." - Paul on Aaron's taste in women (less said on this matter, the better...)

"I was supposed to lose 10% of my bodyweight within 6 months, and I have. In fact, I think I lost most of it this morning in the hotel bathroom." - Paul on the impact that diabetes has had on his figure.

"It's the worst smell I've ever tasted" - Paul savours the flavour in the stadium at Bari

"It was an element, now it's a compound" - Paul explains the physics of James' contraband "Diet Coke" bottle

"I saw the pear and thought of Sharon..." - Paul, innocently, on why he'd airlifted in a box set of dodgy fruit schnapps from Cologne Airport

"I think she'd ride it 'til it snapped" - Sharon to Rich on Christina Aguilera's "Dirrrty" video

"Is it me, or do these trees look like ejaculating phallusses?" - Ally takes a unique view of the local palm tree foliage in Bari.

"Let's just jack in work and do this every day" - Bruce on the joys of drinking in a park to beat the Bari booze ban

Paul: "It's the best pub in Redhill", Bruce: "Is that like being the tallest pygmy?" Who says we live in a chavvy part of Surrey?

"Okay, I'm a bit p*ssed, but you're a f*cking folk hero out here. It's all gone a bit who's doing the f*cking ironing. Lesbians doing it for themselves" - a clearly confused Paul texts Helen from a German bar.

"Well, you're good for train times..." - Helen's mate Lisa compliments Paul on his organisational skils

"Chris Evans is the only reason I don't think highly of Billie Piper" - one-man quote machine Andy the tram architect, on a roll in Edinburgh

"We make room for buggies and barrels" - Andy on having to squeeze up on a regular basis in Edinburgh's Halfway House pub

"I've heard about people like you, but I've never actually met one..." - Shirley to Paul on hearing of his 100% record for Saints in 1996-97 and his recent Scotland away game run

"You've been in England for 20 years - you're the acceptable face of Weegie-ism!" - Geordie Tram Engineer Andy to Paul

"They all start to blend into one Über-pub after a while" - a weary Sharon on why she struggles to pick her favourite Düsseldorf pub

"I actually like Brut. I haven't smelled it in years and I've never bought it" - Rich on Cologne.

Kenny to Jim after 26 minutes of the Fortuna game - "Look, there's still people coming in!"; Jim's reply - "Why - did you think you were at Ibrox and they were leaving already?

Sharon on Keira Knightley - "No 'cupcakes' there"; Rich - "Whatever, Kitty Cat"

"Are you taking a photo or making a p*rn film?" - An exasperated Bruce waiting for Paul to set up a group shot

Bruce - "Steve's been away with that talcum powder for an awfully long time"; Kenny - "If it comes back looking like cocoa powder, then you should worry"

"I'm looking for a cross between a fried egg and a football stud" - from a discussion on nipples

"Get yourself the Elvis '68 comeback on DVD - it's the best thing you'll ever do. Well, apart from a threesome" - NATA's #1 Elvis fan gets things into perspective

"He said he had beer - it was like some dodgy guy offering sweets or asking if we wanted to see his puppies. We could see his puppies every time he bent over - his trousers were falling off." - Bruce on going to a strangers flat in Düsseldorf

Paul asking Stevie about the TV Tower - "Have you got a fear of heights?"; Stevie: "No. I've got a fear of exercise!"

"Now is not the time for complicated business transactions" - Paul addresses the assembled hungover masses at the Sunday lunchtime session

"The most annoying thing about last night was having to pay to vomit" - Helen bemoans the pay-as-you-go culture in Düsseldorf's beer halls

"I woke up this morning (da-da-da-dum)
She sat on my face (da-da-da-dum)
I said trim your p*ssy (da-da-da-dum)
It's a f*cking disgrace (da-da-da-dum)"
Singing the blues, NATA style

"Kevin Donnelly: the only man who's been refused a happy meal" - Stevie recounts a comment he heard recently

"When you sit in the sunshine, can of stella in hand only a few yards from Anna Kournikova`s arse, you realise what a great sport tennis is" - Captain Vodka's All Sports Show.

"I was rather put off by the title because I thought it was for the elderly; the notion of a 'tartan army' brought mental images of geriatrics in tartan wondering around the Vicky Park complaining of the young people" - ex-Netley resident Beci Carter explains her confusion around the website name.

"I'm not a four-assed monkey" - Sharon clears things up for us

"I'm a spoon virgin no more" - Sharon, just after snorting Becherovka from a spoon in Spinnstube, obviously

"He's probably passed out, given that all the blood has gone to his cock" - Sharon completes her Düsseldorf hat-trick by explaining why Aaron's Amsterdam texts had dried up by mid-evening.

"All the mirrors in your house must have come from the fairground!" - Kev takes Paul with a pinch of salt when he explains how certain colours make him look fatter.

"Neil Diamond gives me the horrors" - a visibly shocked Roisin hurries from the function room to the strains of Sweet Caroline at the Loony Alba St Andrews do.

"I've got my finger in a few pies" - Tam McG paints a picture after Paul asking if he was still single.

"Paul's prick test came back twice as bad it should have" - Helen reveals the results of Paul's test. His blood test for diabetes.

"I'm in the army - I've seen it all before" - Tam recalls sharing a room in Moldova.

"I used to be called 'D.A.P'" - Tam explains his old nickname (the first word is deep, the last penetration). Apparently it was written on the back of his helmet...

"I thought it looked like a bikers convention. Then I remembered I was in Germany" - Bruce and Tam talk Düsseldorf rock bars.

Bruce: "They're fun for all the family"; Sharon: "No they're not"; Bruce: "I wasn't talking about immediate family, more like me, Paul, the Tartan Army...". Bruce on his two favourite subjects.

On Bert’s hair. Paul: “Madchester was 15 years ago – let it go man!”; Helen (to Mike Robson): “It’s the male equivalent of mutton dressed as lamb”; Ally: “Is this a mid-life crisis or what?”; Mike: “Look at the state of you, you f*cking idiot”

Paul to Bruce: “Football was one of the main reasons Helen and I were mates”. Bruce to Paul: “Sharon’s breasts were what brought us together”

Rich (on Paul’s fleece): “It wouldn’t fit me”; Paul: “You don’t need to put your ego in it”

“Everything’s really slow here. Imagine the prostitutes – you must get really good value for money” Helen on Kyiv’s lack of service culture

“I tried pigs ears in Madrid in May. It was the first time I’d eaten hairy food” - Kevin Donnelly fires up everyone’s appetites

“You might be a Catholic but you’re not a Fenian; him, on the other hand, he’s a Protestant and a Fenian” Uncredited, obviously - we do know the nicest people...

“Just think, you could have been The Proclaimers” – Bert to Mike and Chris Robson

On Ally Maciver and Pete Hillin showing off they can still fit their original 1986 and 1990 WC shirts – Bert: “It’s like f*cking Madame Tussauds”, Paul: “A living exhibit for the Hampden Museum”, Bruce: “Frank McGarvey and Danny McGrain”

“What are you going to do for a honeymoon? Stay at home?” Marky Adams on hearing Paul and Helen are getting married

“… the last remaining habitat of the European bison…” Paul chews the fat with the stewardesses whilst waiting to disembark the plane.

“He’d only brought another one back for a cheeky BJ, which for some reason he thought would be quieter” – an unnamed footsoldier on his roommate

“It’s all in acrylic” – Jim Brown struggles to get to grips with the menu

“Ukrainian cola: it’s made in Chernobyl from cooling rods” – Paul on the local soft drinks

“There’s only one thing to do at time like this: jobby jelly” – Chris Houston on getting shunted from his apartment, before going on to describe in detail the combined effects of warmed jelly solution and defecation on a household toilet.

“It looked like reactor core crazy golf” – Bruce on the scale model of the Chernobyl reactor

“As much as I would love a stormtrooper outfit, I’ve nowhere to wear it” – Rich on Star Wars

“It’s like a cool breeze blowing up your kilt” – Bruce recalls Tom Small’s advice on Lanacane talc

“I ate Kenny’s soft cheese with blue bits” – Bruce, on the garlic butter at Chernobyl

“I love it when Sharon… damn it, this is going to become a quote now…” – Bruce shows he’s learning, albeit slowly

“Anti Fascist Action? Is that where you shag fascist aunties?” – someone (who shall remain nameless) on Kyiv’s graffiti

“This is Paul – what do you think he’s going to look like? A bronzed Greek Adonis?” – Helen shows her concern after fears Paul is going to be stripped and gang-raped by some over-friendly locals

“If it wasn’t for footballers like Ally McCoist, you’d be in trouble” – Helen explains her fascination with the chunkier man

“No amount of talc is going fix what I’ve got” – Ally on the boys

“I won’t be lectured on appearances by you!” – Rich to Paul

“It’s not easy to sleep with a fishermen’s friend in your mouth” – Ally, possibly on his Brora upbringing

“It’s not about luck: this is me your talking about, not Chris!” – Rich, showing more than a little disrespect for his “wingman”

“I reckon if you made a wallet out of Rich’s scrotum, it would look like that” – Ally on Paul’s designer black and white wallet

“It’s like trying to fit an oblong beer into a round hole” – Paul on leaving some of his last Obolon.

Paul: “My own view is that women should be soft and spongy to the touch”; Ally: “What? Like a good Madeira cake?”

“If I was going out with some bird and found out she had nipples like mine, I wouldn’t be disappointed” – Ally on Rich’s favourite subject

“I don’t particularly want my knackers flapping around in the dust at Chernobyl” – Bruce on why he was never planning on wearing a kilt on the day trip

“It’s just like the Sports Café – you don’t really need a ticket, you’ll still get in” – Ally on heaven

Paul: “Think Richard Briers”, Ally “What? Is he black?” – Ally gets his 1970s comedians confused

The scene: Magoo (aka “Sir William Geronomino Wallace”) staggers into a hotel reception in Vilnius, dressed in kilt and full Indian headdress and mumbling incoherently. The receptionist looks him up and down with disdain and asks: “Do you have a reservation?” (relayed to Rich by some guys in the foyer who overheard).

Paul: "We went in an estate pub...", James: "What? Did it go further back than a normal pub?"

"What is this - a new Soul Boy revolution? Get your Wedge in first?" Disco Keith questions Rich's hairstyle. Envy, surely?

"I almost spilt my champagne" - Paul on the bumpy landing in Vilnius

"Look on the bright side - at least your kilt won't get wet!" - Paul consoles Ally on the delay of his luggage.

"You must have been on steroids as a kid!" - Kev still doesn't believe that Paul's authentic 1990 shell jacket still fits him, 16 years on.

"At least we know Sharon's having a good time - all fifteen of her nipples are erect" - Paul casts aspersions on Sharon's visible bra line.

"You should have given it to him before the game - that way he could have lost it himself!" - Ally consoles a fellow footsoldier on the loss of a gift

Paul: "It''s a rough pub. It's full of stuffed animals and shell suited Russian jakies", Bruce: "At least it's not shell suited animals and stuffed Russian jakies!"

"Trakai the noo?" Kenny, asking if the NATA trip to Trakai Castle was still going ahead

Susan (to Ally in Lokys restaurant): "If you're eating beaver, then you're sleeping in a different room!", Kenny (to Susan): "You know, you're the first woman I've ever heard say that!"

"Ten quid. Managed to get them both in as well" - Sharon talks up the bargain of getting a t-shirt to fit her ample bosom.

"I'd be safer swimming with Steve Irwin than going out with Stevie Imlach" - Bruce skillfully merges two of the week's tragedies into one.

"Neil Sedaka" - Ally's take on the Lithuanian toast "I Sveikata"

"I believe a cheesecake should only be fruit based" - Rich rants over dessert, whilst somehow missing the entire point of the confection in question

Paul (to Rich, having narrowly missed him in a pub): "I'd have liked to have seen you last night", Rich: "Why, was Helen not putting out?"

Paul (singing): "I know song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves...", Bruce (walking behind with an brolley): "I've got an umbrella that'll fit up your arse, fit up your arse..."

Bruce (walking past Worthing's only gay bar and looking in the window): "There's an awful lot of women in this gay bar", Helen: "Yes, but they don't normally have their curtains open like that"

"If I stand up with my knees together... I can't, 'cos my bag's in the way" - Ally bragging about his, erm, rucksack in Flamme D'Or, Tokyo's designer Asahi beerhall

Ally - "There's a new 100m record"; Paul - "I know - I set it whilst running for the hotel toilet this morning!"

"So Japaneasy, oh this is so Japaneasy" - Chant first started by Ally M in Kobe

"We can see you Nippon out" - Scotland crowd to Japanese nearing the end of the game.

"No wonder their hair is so straight - none of the sandwiches have crusts" - Helen uncovers a scientific reason behind Japanese genetics

"If you open that jacket he's wearing and look in the pocket, you'll see me in there" - Ally McCoist to Paul on being shown a photo of Guido Buchwald (taken 1 hour earlier in Bernd's)

"Next time we do it without the Italians" - German guy in Bernd's Bar relaying a comment from an elderly Japanese man in an Onsen (Japanese bath)

Chris - "If I can eat a cow, I can eat a horse"; Paul - "It's the same thing, just a bit slimmer, longer neck, smaller tits"

"Horriday Inn Expless" - Paul to a Kobe cabbie, after five unsuccessful attempts of "Holiday Inn Express". It worked, despite the howls of laughter from the back seat.

"Hawaii Five One" - Ally sums up the effect of Paul's shirt

Helen: "I've got some hot pants in the first aid kit", Chris "It's okay, I've a blue pill that does that instead" - hot "pads" apparently. For Paul's bruised back.

"The hotel room is only for sleeping" - That's me telt, then

"You've less far to fall, and less far to fall when you fall on it" - Helen consoles Paul after an incident with an elevator door, his backside and a small step in Ryan's Bar

"They've said that to us several times so far on this trip, and been proved wrong each time" - Chris' reply to Paul on being told check out is 11am

"Do you think I have an extendable tripod in my sporran?" - Chris H again. It was rhetorical.

"Taste this - it makes your teeth chewy... I can't eat this" - Chris Houston on drinking Shochu. He later admitted "it was the best shochu I've ever had"

"Ally McMoist" - Ali Nish shares her teenage nickname for Coisty (which was later repeated to the man himself)

"Sofia, so good" - Tam at half-time in the Bulgaria game

"Like a home from home" - Ally to Paul on finding the German-themed New Munchen Sapporo brewpub in Kobe

"it's like skis - once you cross them at the bottom, it's all over" - Helen fears broken legs from her chopsticks

"... and then they ate the prunes!" - Kenny foresees what our waitress will be telling her pals down the pub after work

"Octopus is cheap here - three for a squid" - Tam Coyle preys on Paul's jet lag

"There comes a time in every man's life when he realises that Guinness isn't really 'good for you'" - Paul gives Bruce the benefit of his drinking experience

"You looked bloody enormous the other day - I thought you were going to pop", closely followed by "Don't put anything sharp near him - he'll explode!" - Selden regulars Darren and Craig gang up on Paul (when he was at his peak, a few years ago)

"This scooping thing is getting far too serious. It's only a matter of time before you're tagging extra flights/trains/taxis/camels onto trips so you can go to two horse towns en-route that have a "special treacle and raspberry pants" flavour pint of utterly undrinkable warm toilet cleaner that is still fermenting in your glass..." - Ally M expresses his doubts around Paul's dedication to the art of "scooping" (trying new beers)

Easyjet stewardess: “Excuse me, sir, but you are not allowed to drink your own alcohol onboard this flight”; Unknown footsoldier: “It’s alright – it’s not my alcohol, it’s his!” (overheard by Bruce)

“This is the second time in three trips – we must be making a hobbit of this!” - Ally M on the train ride into Postojna caves

“If the accordion had never been invented, there’d be no music in continental Europe” – Machar seems unimpressed by Slovenian polka.

“Look me in the face – control your energy” – American woman to her playful 6-8 year old kids in Slovenia

“I don’t believe Paul when he says he doesn’t go for blondes!” - Ally watches Paul chat to glamorous brewery tour guide Tina.

"Za popola užitek" (Trans: "For perfect pleasure") – slogan right across glamorous Tina’s bra strap. "Its about the beer", apparently.

“It flashes when he pokes it” – Helen on Paul’s badge

“I’ve put so much talc on this morning I’m scared to fart in case I turn into Puff the Magic Dragon!” – unknown footsoldier overheard by Jim Brown at breakfast in Slovenia.

“What’s your first name Campbell?” – Unknown footsoldier “Paul” to Campbell Burton (courtesy of Tam Coyle)

“At 8 o’clock, this place turns into a gay bar” – guy in Glasgow pub to Rich, just before he left (at 7.55pm)

“They’ve got their own slippers” – Sharon throws some stones out of her own glass house when passing comment on an older lady's unfeasibly large breasts.

“I was hoping it would be miserable today” – Kevin confides his weather hopes to Bruce.

“He stores it in a thimble at home” – Chris Houston reveals how Stevie Imlach manages to crease the uncreasable Scotland shirt.

“You’re moaning about getting squashed, yet you’re going out with him!?” – an incredulous Kevin D to Helen after she complained about how busy the pub was getting.

“I’ve never actually been offered money by a jakey before” – Paul in Iron Horse, after being offered £2 to go and get a weary local a drink

“Was it like a tequila sunrise?” – Rich questions Paul on the make up of his sh*te after listening to the three-stage theory (solid, pebble-dashing, liquid)

“How gorgeous are you?” – middle aged woman to Rich in Allison Arms after the Belarus defeat

"It's fair to say we didn't let it ruin our night!" - Paul at work, when asked how the England score had been received in Norway.

"If you had a full body wax, you'd be about 10-and-a-half stone" - Sharon shows Bruce how to lose 4 stone overnight.

"That's George Best's liver f*cked again!" - text received in Oslo (immediately after Northern Ireland beat England 1-0) from Welsh Steve.

"I don't like hot dogs, but I love sausage" - A glamorous, and anonymous, young lady from WESTA to the guy on the counter of a late-night Oslo kebab van.

"i've just paid over £5 a pint - don't spill a f*cking drop!" - Paul to Bruce and Craig, immediately before Bruce left the full pint on the table at chucking-out time in The Belfry, Oslo.

"There's nothing wrong with sitting in the corner with a sour face" - Kevin explains the secret of unhappiness to Sharon.

"Is that new svelte physique because you've just sh*t half of it out?" - Stevie Imlach questions Paul's dieting technique.

"I'm surprised he hasn't been harpooned" - Bruce, on hearing that Charlie Miller's career lives on in Norway.

"I don't understand what all this fuss is about over this new technology that changes bits of the shirt colour when you're hot - my t-shirts have had that for years!" - Paul, feeling the heat before the Italy home match.

"We can celebrate my birthday in Brussels and yours in Berlin. Just like Eisenhower". Paul discusses his Winter 2005 timetable with Rich, ahead of each other's 30th birthdays.

Paul - "I've taken Immodium - nothing's coming out of my arse until tomorrow morning!", Michael "Is that why all the sh*te's coming out of your month?" (in The Horsehoe before the Italy home match).

"I'm in an over-40's single bar in Graz with Neil Diamond on the jukebox. This, my friend, really is the sh*t"- A delirious text from Paul on the Tuesday night in Austria.

"Do you ever spend a weekend at home? You know, just for a holiday?" - Bruce despairs of Paul's wanderlust.

"You'd be self-conscious too if all you'd been able to smell for the past week is the stench of your own b*llocks" - Paul to Bruce on why his kilt needed Febreze.

"Turns out two of the things I've eaten are explosive when combined. It was only 3.1 on the Allison Scale" - Bruce explains his lengthy absence from the table.

"I don't where we are, but we're definitely somewhere" - Bruce clears things up on the hydrofoil to Bratislava.

"Let's not get too excited - it might just be Cal Mac with fins" - Bruce keeps it real over anticpation of the Vienna-Bratislava hydrofoil.

"I like Snoopy, you like porn" - An anonymous member of the "Couples TA" to her other half.

"Your hair smells lovely with your new beer shampoo" - Kevin D to Sharon after generously sharing his beer with her (and dozens of others) after Scotland's second goal.

"You mean you've never had an erection at work!?" - A disbelieving, and anonymous, NATA member over a beer in Austria.

"We've just ran over a dwarf" - Ally on the Schlossbergbahn underground railway as it bumped its way over the points

"Thanks for pulling those in - I wouldn't want to crush them!" - Random guy to Paul's balls as he manoeuvred his way past in the ground.

"He's like Popeye from the waist down" - Shambles on Big Greg's calves (I hope!)

"Helen, where's the trouser press?" "It's next to the teasmaid" "Where's that?" "With Sherpa number 3" - Tartan Teddy puts his own spin on Paul and Helen's "comprehensive" packing methods.

Rich: "In my book, if you make breakfast, it's the sign of a really bad night"; Paul: "No. It's a sign you're a hotel chef" - Paul and Rich discuss breakfasting on tour

"If they're handing out beer mats so we don't stain the furniture, maybe I should have one for my b*llocks?" Paul, sat on the wooden benches in Minsky Brovar

"Le Tissier? He was fat and over-rated" - Chris' mate Dave mortally offends Rich by criticising ex-Saints hero and all round nice guy Matt Le Tiss

Paul: "There's room for both Scotland and Alba on the shirt", Helen: "Aye, only on yours" - Helen stands by her man.

"He ate a bunch of grapes at Berlin station and then left a trail of devastation across the railway tracks of eastern Germany. They were the Grapes of Wrath!" - Craig T recounts the story of Disco's train travels.

"With mates like that, you want to hang around with us more!" - Ally to Rich (on Paul).

"When did you get in?" "I was sat next to you on the plane!" - Rich responds to a forgetful traveller in the top-floor toilets of the Hotel Belarus.

"You're not secret anymore!" - Scott & Phil sing to a "secret" policeman in Moscow having been shown his identification.

"Are you sure you want to be here? You might accidentally brush against a no-pointer!" - An anonymous footsoldier makes a passing comment to a distinguished NATA member in the Shed before the Moldova home game.

"That's it - I've had my money's worth. I'm f*cking off!" - Paul, after Zidane's wonder-goal in the Stade de France on 13 minutes.

"The "eating all the pies" bit refers only to you. I don't think you left any for Rich" - Paul and Rich's old schoolmate Bryony explains her comment on the guestbook ("Went to school with Paul and Rich where they looked exactly the same but before eating all the pies").

"Why do they grow dead plants here?" An unidentified footsoldier, confused by the fields of harvested corn, overheard on the bus into Moldova (thanks to John W from the Shetland TA for this one)

"This takes your wee pub round the corner to a whole new dimension" - Sumo sums up first impressions of the trip to the karaoke bar in Saronno.

"Deep fry your pizzas, we're going to deep fry your pizzas" - best song of the Milan trip, heard on the bus to the ground.

Craig: "Do you know what's wrong with youngsters these days?...", Bruce "Aids". A stinging riposte at the start of one of Craig's middle-aged, reactionary rants.

"Beverino Rosso" - the brand of wine purchased in 175ml bottles for a mere €1.50 at a stall to the side of Centrale Stazione. Unfortuately all the beverino was gone by the time Signor Rosso made it to the party.

"We have the whole south end, so if I want someone to p*ss on me, unfortunately I'm just going to have to pay the going rate" - Paul informs Welsh Steve by text that it was only raindrops falling on our heads.

"I'm on the last hole myself" - Ally texts Bruce with progress reports. On his kilt straps.

"I wasn't sure whether to try a German sausage, but then I thought what's the würst that could happen?" - Less of a quote, more a way of life, from Paul at the Mannheim Future Game (and all over Germany in the days before!).

"This is Germany - she'd probably sh*t in his mouth" - Bruce concludes a long and hypothetical story at Heidelberg station, involving a leggy student lady, a dwarf (both seen in the nightclub the previous evening) and a long skirt...

"Someone sh*t in the turkey!" - Gav recalls the words of a traumatised 15 year old class mate many Christmasses ago, after a successful* party prank. (* Success herebeing measured by the prankster, rather than the turkey eaters!)

"I suppose you need a good solid consistency. Imagine if you were pebble-dashing - the recipient would need to be wearing goggles" - Craig considers the intricacies of coprophilia in Germany.

"Dinnae put yourselves down - some of you are no' bad looking" - Rae from Dingwall to a Cardiff lassie who'd just explained her and her pals were on a "Boots night out" (Thanks to Gary Macdonald for this one)

"Well, I suppose a threesome's out of the question, then?" - Rae again, on having his marraige proposal ("Marry me and come back to Scotland") politely refused by two Estonian models involved in a promotion at Tallinn airport. (Thanks to Gary Macdonald for this one)

"Rich oozes testosterone - he does his hair with it" - Paul comments on Rich's overt manliness.

Paul, describing a night out in Bremen - "We were out with three Finnish students"; Ally - "What, were they graduates?"

"Do you not think maybe you should leave the computer alone for a while and go for a jog?" - Rich passes on his fitness tips to Paul.

"You're going for a swim in the lake tomorrow?" - Ally somehow mishears Helen tell Paul "you're calves will ache tomorrow" after a steep climb.

"Sorry - they only wanted their photograph taken with the fat one" - A Romanian tourist in Chisinau apologises for his friends' choice of photo opportunity.

"That is one lucky rabbit. If there's a way to go, it's served up in a warm chocolate gravy" - Ally on Chris' dish of "chocolate rabbit" in the Robin Pub in Chisinau.

"When you don't know what to say, just stick your fist in the air" - Rich on the international language of drunken gestures.

"We were victims of an Ashgam Tea propaganda coup" - Tevo explains his group's choice of baseball cap.

"Can we leave now? These guys are doing my head in" - the boot on the other foot for Buckfast Warrior in a Chisinau "wine bar".

"I don't know how it got here, but I'm looking into it" - Paul on a hole in a Chisinau street.

"Has he found the road yet?" - someone at the back of Tartan Teddy's minibus on the trip in from the airport.

"Fernando Maciver" - sign held by Moldovan travel agent Radu Sargu, by request of Tartan Teddy.

"It's not a kilt, it's a hovercraft curtain" - Paul casts aspersions over the origins of "Breakfast Worrier's"* kilt (the names have been changed to protect the guilty).

"I think Paul's the ideal weight....for a man carrying a piano" - Campbell Burton gives Paul some dieting encouragement

"There's nothing high tech about Helen watching me having a p*ss" - Paul voices his disdain over the window in the door of his "High Tech" hotel bedroom in Valencia.

"If you emptied your minibar, do you think you could fit your kilt in there overnight?" - Ally considers his options to combat Valencia's humidity.

"If I had to eat anything on that plate, it would be the lemon" - Ally, less than impressed with the starter choices on offer at the paella lunch.

"Me and Helen are sharing melon" - Sharon, waxing lyrical about dessert.

"Tam will never use a word when a sentence will do" - an astute observation from Munich/Barcelona Brian, after having met Tam Coyle just once.

"I've never really used one to it's full extent before" - Brian speaking enthusiastically about bidets.

"It's like a drinking fountain for your bum" - Ally, less enthusiastically, on the same subject.

"It was like Ardrossan with humidity" - Lewis and Andy from Dunbar are less than impressed with Valencia's seafront.

"Wait until it gets down here and then start sucking" AND "That's for getting the thick stuff out of the bottom" - Ally, offering advice on how to drink sangria.

"I'm a pretty potent guy" - Sumo from Milngavie boasts he can measure up to the Clockwork's beer menu.

"She's worth a cuddle" - Russell (Milngavie Tartan Army) gives his opinion on one of the Clockwork's waitresses before the Hungary game.

"It's the best garment in the world for urination and fornication" Raz's dad, Max, explains the role of the kilt to Helen.

Paul: "I've got acute dyspepsia"; Tam: "What's that?"; Paul: "It's like a normal dyspepsia, only cuter"

"It tastes mecidinal" - Paul, having a drink more "medicinal" that anticpated, offisher.

"My tongue is swollen, and I don't know why!" - Funny at the time; not so funny after a week with a painful, swollen tongue.

"The only man I know who doesn't take condoms on tour - he takes steradent" - Disco Keith makes a barbed remark on Tam's choice of lady.

"Does your mouth bleed every month?" Andy's Dad Colm, quoting Rab C Nesbitt.

"I love you from the bottom of my bottom" - Grant explains how 'deep is his love' to Gerry.

"What's your favourite bit? The brain or the spleen?" Helen casts aspersions over Paul's weisswurst sausage.

"You know the best thing about having a sh*te in Germany? The 'European Inspection Shelf' let's you see what you've done!" Conversation overheard between footsoldiers in a Dortmund hotel elevator.

"Would you look at the mess down there!" - A frowning Susan, looking down at her lap.

"There are various levels of jakeydom" - Craig McDowall explains the facts of Buckfast in Denmark.

"Why don't you leave Paul, and then you won't have to watch this sh*te?" Crabby (one of the Kirrie Boys) tries reasoning with Helen.

"Do you have a cricket team? Great! Send them down so we can get the hat-trick!" A Welshman to Tom Small (thanks to Tom for this one).

"I don't mind homosexuality, as long as no-one tries to ram it down my throat" - discussing homophobia in Cardiff pubs before the game.

""The last two away games have been 10 against and none for!", "Oh, don't be so negative - if you count the last three it's only 12-1" - Bizarre conversation overheard in Barfly, Cardiff after the game.

"Just like Amsterdam, with less drugs and uglier hookers" - Paul's view on that sad night in Cardiff.

"'Mon Scotland, we can still do these" - an optimistic Tam Coyle, towards the end of the Amsterdam massacre, thanks to Scott Kelly.

The scene: Tom Small's hotel bedroom door on the Thursday morning in Amsterdam: "Thank f*ck you woke me up, I was having a nightmare and Scotland were getting beaten 6-0" - Tom Small, courtesy of Maurice Fae Forres.

"The future's bright, but it's not f*ckin' orange!" - an optimistic (and ultimately misled) Mike Robson on the way to the pub after the first leg victory.

"I think we must have made them angry" - Paul after the second leg in Amsterdam.

"My cousin w@nks me off too" - a message scrawled on a t-shirt in a bar in Den Haag, following a confessional moment on the way home from Dortmund from a fellow TA traveller at Utrecht (Thanks to denhaagdavid for this one!)

"Who are these men in kilts and where has our beer gone?" A - Croatian newspaper headline in 2001, translated by Grant from Copenhagen.

"Can I have the cherry off the top of your hat?" - The Wee Man whets his appetite by looking at Rich's glengarry

"The long thin ones - I can't swallow them" - Susan gives her opinion on paracetamol capsules. Obviously.

"It reminds of how much I want to go back to Zagreb" - Helen relives fond memories looking at a picture of a Dalmation puppy performing orally on a rabid bulldog!

"If there's one thing that's not cricket, it's square sausage" - You'd never tell the Wee Man was from a Hampshire village, would you?

"You can tell they haven't just knocked it up on the cheap!" - The Wee Man enthuses about the architecture of Bucharest's National Bank of Romania.

"I still haven't remembered what it is that I forgot" - Neither have we, Helen, neither have we.

"Are you enjoying your first time in a pub?" - Gavin Bhunno to Helen, after watching her spill her drink

"Kev who?" - Gav again, having obviously never heard of Donnelly's status as TA Legend

"Brighton Beach!? More like Brighton Quarry!" - Ally Ewan expresses his disillusionment with Brighton's star tourist attraction.

"She loves standing on it to make it go" - Carry On Escalators, as Paul tries to explain Helen's fascination with the German pressure plate ones

"I've perfect skin, gonnae give me my Lloyd Cole?" - Tam Coyle speculates on Davie Macdonald's pulling technique.

"Aren't you worried about it getting caught in travelators?" - Big Jim is flabergasted that Mike and Paul never trim downstairs, after a discussion in Oslo.

"Just close your eyes and put it in your mouth" - Freda explains her technique (for eating mussels)

"I'm part of the TA BA Elite" - half-man, half-donkey "Horse" succintly sums up his disregard for the budget airlines flying into Torp in Norway

"Football is for low budget people" - A random punk jakie explains his theory of sport to TA Executive Club Member Jim Brown in an Oslo rockers bar.

"SAS - Scandinavian Arse Syndrome. They all sit on their backsides studying until they're 30, then settle down to have kids: anything to avoid getting a job!" - An un-named* TA traveller explains to Paul why Scandinavian women can be curvier than you may expect. (* so as not to damage the trade in his Copenhagen pub!)

"I'm a vegetarian - I eat milk..." Paul casts doubt on the hygiene conditions in his well-stocked fridge

Ross (ANZTA) to waitress "I'm single, by the way", Waitress to Ross "That's good, I'm pregnant"

"I'm wearing a pink shirt, a skirt and no underwear... she will be mine!" - Wee Davie sums up his pulling tactics on the way to Teplice, June 1999.

"You like Polish women, I like Scottish women..." - A student in Poland, after introducing me to his girlfriend and meeting Helen. Yes, I knew where he was going with that conversation too.

"You didn't get so big by eating only vegetables" - A French chef, not someone to say no to a pie himself, expresses surprise at Paul's "Je suis un vegetarien" comment.

"Try it! It is good for, how you say, your libido!" - The same French chef, after passing round glasses of snake brandy (brandy that came out of a bottle containing a pickled snake).

"How did England get on? You know something? I'd rather w*nk dogs!" - The incomparable Tam Coyle, disembarking from the Bull & Bush bus at Copacabana (Rimini, Oct 2000)

"I'll sit on it - I hatch beer" - 69-year old WESTA member Moira on the bus from Keflavik Airport to the City, after being told the last free seat was being used to stash a carry-out.

"Lovely Pups" - Helen's t-shirt in Reykjavik (featuring a picture of two seal pups, in case you were wondering)

"Why not just leave it behind reception" -Ally in Torshavn, immediately after a 5 minute discussion about leaving Rocky's jacket behind reception.

"Has anyone seen the Great Chico?" - Paul in Torshavn, blissfully unaware that Chic Young was at the next table

"They love the beef! The birds love the Scottish beef!" - Brian's cousin Martin, immediately before the England play-off at Hampden, immediately after telling Paul that "it's great being a fat c*nt, isn't it?"

"Oh, just the milk then" - The usual suspect, after being knocked back by an eighteen-year-old shop assistant

"Last night I took one for the team" - Inverness David, recalling an incident on the way back to his Brussels hotel, on the value of teamwork in the Tartan Army

"It's okay, it's only 5 minutes away now" - Paul in Paris, at least 20 minutes before arriving at The Highlander on foot

Drunk TA footsoldier in Hotel Hafnia reception - "Look at the t-shirt - "Misbehavin in Torshavn - superb! There's always one..."
Paul - "Actually, there's four of us..."
Drunk guy - "... There's always four..."

"Alan, have you seen Paul?" - Helen in Mainz, asking Alan Duncan where Paul is, whilst leaning over Paul to ask the question.

"It tastes of gardens" - Helen describes a pint of Harvey's award-winning Sussex real ale to Ally & Sue the night before the Loony Alba St Andrews do.

"I thought it would kiss me" - Rich, on being asked what he expected would happen after he was bitten by a turtle in Rimini.

"No mate, you'll burn all the alcohol off!" - Adam the Kiwi air pilot on ordering sambucas in Mainz

Tam Small (aka "Battle Bus Commander"/"BBC" on the TAMB) on being interviewed by the BBC:
Interviewer: "Hello, BBC..."
Tam Small : "Aye, that's me. What's your TAMB name?"
(Thanks to Dianne for this one)

"The food's great but the portions are a bit small" - That man Tam Coyle again, allegedly, describing Tapas

"Pull your socks up lads, otherwise no-one will take you seriously" - An elderly Scottish ex-pat in a Paris gay bar opposite Stolly's.

"My a***hole must be confused - it seems to think my kilt is edible" - Campbell "The Fringe" Burton, in the Warka Strong Club, Poland.

"10% of the travelling support are still in their beds, and the other two are trying to get him up" - Tom on why the "Antalya 7" failed to become the Antalya Ten.

"I've seen US Marines in the Gulf with less round their belts than you" - Kevin Donnelly expresses his disgust at Paul's pre-Iceland match attire.

"There's an L-shaped square" - Paul defies the laws of geometry when describing the centre of Vilnius.

"He wakes up in the middle of the night to check he's not lost any sleep" - Ewan Gitsham describes Jon Burgon's attitude towards spending money.

"But have they got good upper bodies?" - Wee Davie demands more details on exactly how gorgeous Korean ladies are.

"Are you ready for a war?" - The Griffin's resident drunk, Joe, just after muttering his other catchphrase "Stand on me, big man"

"Fat is the new black" - NATA's fashion guru, Rich, passes comment on Paul's unique style

"Do you have one that tastes of frazzles?" - Paul shows his malt whisky connoisseur credentials in the Griffin

An English girl in Dublin asking the somewhat tiresome question of what a Scotsman wears under his kilt continues "C'mon then, put your money where your mouth is!" - "Tell you what, why don't you put your mouth where my money is?" came the reply.

"There's nae need tae panic until Celine Dion starts singing !" - Maurice fae Forres on the way to Kaunas 2003, to a panic-ridden assortment of footsoldiers in steerage on the Stockholm-Tallinn ferry just after it hit ice.

"I'd get fed up being mistaken for Pierre Van Hooydonk, he's an ugly bastard" - Maurice fae Forres to Pierre Van Hooydonk after the game in an Arnhem pub.

"Aye, and I suppose you're an apron waving blue nosed bastard yourself" - Maurice fae Forres in the Ibrox toilets (Bosnia 1999) to one of Glasgow's finest - he saw no more of the game.

(Thanks to Maurice Hickey for the three quotes above)

MORE TO COME SHORTLY!

With my memory not being what it used to be, please email any quotes* worthy of inclusion to me for consideration (don't worry, full credit will be given).

(*That's what was actually said, not what you wish you'd said after you'd thought about it for a while!)

You said what? Special Disclaimer

This page is intended purely for fun. If you are featured in any of the quotes and you wish to have them removed, please email Paul.

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