A Colemanballs for the Tartan Army
- here are the first quotes from NATA's travels (I'm sure when I
set my mind to it more will come flooding back!) - please email
any suggestions to Paul. Please also see this section's special
disclaimer.
"It's
very cherry-y" - Chris B sums up the taste of Belgian Kriek
beer
"I've got a big tongue and
I'm... actually, I won't say any more" - Paul knows when to
stop.
Chris B:
"Last time I spoke to Blow Job Jenny, she told me she'd never
had an orgasm!"; Bruce: "That's because she keeps putting
them in the wrong hole"
"They might just be the best
toilets in the world" - Rich E waxes lyrical about the Greenwich
bar's toilets in Brussels
"It's
alright to drink the water here as we're not abroad" - Chris
B struggles with putting a pin in Brussels on the big map of Britain.
"It's got a full blown cock"
- Chris B eloquently sums up a canine statue in Brussels. Possibly
taking the words right of her old friend "Blow Job Jenny's"
mouth at the same time
"She's
got a food baby. Usually it's delivered the next morning" -
Emma eloquently sums up the effects of a good meal.
Rich E: "Can I have some beer
with my head?"; Emma: "You're lucky to get head!"
- Emma whilst playing mother with the jug of lambic beer in A La
Becasse
"She
doesn't have baps, she has cottage loaves" - Emma on Sharon's
breasts. Unfortunately not literally.
"No, no, no... It's not seven
inches, it's only three-and-a-half" - Rich confesses to Ally.
About the positioning of his shirt lettering.
"Do
you think he's been slipping me his weight?" - Paul comments
on Stevie's decreasing waistline, in contrast to his own.
Paul: "Rebecca Loos w*nked
off a pig...", Rich (interrupting): "Yeah, she'd been
pulled over for speeding" - Alas Allison and Ross discussing
Beckham's alleged affair and her subsequent rise to infamy on reality
TV
Paul:
"It's dark, but it's still a lager", Rich: "That
may be, Paul, but it looks like Darth Vader's spunk" - Rich
on West Brewing Company's own Dunkel beer
Paul: "It's
character-building stuff", Ally: "I'll certainly be able
to build a character with that when it comes back out!" - Ally
shares Rich's sentiments on the Dunkel beer
"The Weegie William Shatner"
- Bruce acclaims Paul's poetic spoken word take on "I Will
Survive" on the Allison Arms' karaoke.
"I'm
saving breasts. They need protecting" - Rich explains why his
glengarry hat sports a pink ribbon pin badge.
"You've left a lot of
people standing - it usually means you're desperate for a shite!"
- Rich's response to Paul explaining that he often walks too fast...
"If
it was a tarantula, I wouldn't have picked it up just because it
was hairy" - Ally, om picking up hairy things (can't remember
the full conversation, regrettably)
"You can want to be Scottish
as much as you like, but if you're not: you're not" - Helen
coming to terms with her disadvantage
"If
I'd known marriage was this good, I'd have done it loads of times
before!" - Paul on married bliss
"Camel Juice" -
Ally toasting in Georgian (correct pronounciation: "Gamar-joos")
"I think
Georgia could be the potato skin..." - Susan mixes her metaphors
to predict trouble ahead
"Mark, Steve and Mitch
- we call them the 'Fun Size Tartan Army'!" - Ally
"I quite
like the rugby top that Mark was wearing. Only problem is the one
he was wearing was the right size to hang from my rearview mirror"
Ally on Mark's apparel at the game (the 2007 away rugby top)
"True. But that doesn't
rule out the fact that women in Aberdeen are ugly as well!"
- Mark to Susan after a discussion on the vagaries of global attractiveness
Mark: "We
did everything the wrong way round in Moldova! We ended up in separate
cars with gangsters..."; Paul: "What were you doing? Dogging!?"
"I was at a wedding...
I f*cked off to the game... I missed the soup course" - Iain
Clarkson sums up his experience of the Ukraine game.
"McBadger?
He's the lead singer of the Rolling Stones, isn't he?" - Rich
flips from Chris' discrimination case to musical trivia
"Rich, you're going to
have to join up your words every now and again to form a sentence"
- Paul tries to straighten out Rich's tied tongue
"If
her face were as tight as her arse, she'd be a good looking girl"
- Rich recounts a Parisien barmaid
"Is that Rabbi Burns?"
- Kenny H on Paris' Jewish district
"Would
you like to taste my nuts?" - Campbell proffers his morsels
to Sharon on the Eurostar.
"At least the hotel has
fantastic acoustics" - Paul after another door-slamming competition
in the Ibis Hotel corridors on the morning of the Paris win.
"I've
just walked into Paul's nightmare!" - Sharon describes the
world's smallest bathroom to Bruce.
"My b*llocks are fine;
it's the thigh-chafing that gets me" - Bruce on the joy of
talc.
"I'm
going to start wearing cycling shorts - I'll look like Axl Rose"
- Bruce on the continued problem of his thighs.
"Helen will be delighted
when I die, as the other woman in Paul's life will be gone. I'm
like the Camilla in their relationship" - Rich
"After
the dream I've just had, I hate to think what state my sheets are
going to be in when I wake up on the morning of the game" -
Paul, after the 1-0 win in Paris
“I don’t care
if I don’t get it tomorrow – I’ll get it the rest
of the week!” – Susan. On breakfast.
Paul on his
fitness regime: “I get off one or two tram stops early…”;
Ally “… and get a taxi?”
“I woke up the next
morning wishing I’d gone back to that Irish pub” –
Ally on the Tuesday night in Graz, on the pub he spent the last
3 hours of the night in.
Helen on
“young” Austrian wine: “So, does this turn into
real wine later?”; Ally: “No, it turns into urine!”
Paul speaking to an Austrian
about his kilt: “There are 8 yards of material in this kilt…”;
Austrian guy: “No wonder!”
“It
dispelled the myth that NATA are only there for the football”
– Paul on Bruce’s Vilnius map reading skills
“Get your kepabs out”
– Susan
“Smoke
Martini with Laphroaig; if you want a really smoky one, have it
with Cutty Sark” – Ally gets topical with his cocktail
“Quieten down. This
is not Majorca!” – A Viennese bar owner to an excitable
Norton
“Yeast,
hops, barley and water. Then Helen mentioned it to the doctor, got
some pills and it all cleared up” – Paul discusses brewing
with Norton
“Two plus two is still
two” – Lynne talks about her career in financial services
“Temperance?
This is more like Deliverance…” – Bruce and Norton
discuss the bar that isn’t in Majorca
“At least it doesn’t
smell as bad as yours…” – Helen to Norton and
Paul. And I’ve no recollection of what she was talking about.
“You’re
on pills 20 years earlier than I was – this is the time to
dance” – dancing and diabetes with WESTA’s Godfather
of Soul.
“My Italian is pretty
expansive – I can say two things: “Hello Beautiful”
and “Can I have a receipt”. And they’re not related…”
– Bert on his linguistic prowess
“Helen,
I’m finished – can you flush the toilet for me?”
– Ally critiques Helen and Paul’s relationship
“Whatever will kill
him quickest!” – Stevie’s response to the tobacconist
asking what brand of fags were required by Andy Mac
"It
would be like watching someone trying to shift a wardrobe"
- Rich on why not having a first dance at the wedding was better
for Helen.
"But I can't do straight"
- Rich. No explanation needed.
"She's
trying to sell t-shirts by not wearing one" - Sharon on the
Sports Cafe barmaid's cunning strategy
"He looks just like a
Scotland fan. Only smaller" - Paul on Bruce's dimunitive pal
Aaron.
"It
was a classic love story: pygmy meets pygmy, both fall in love..."
- Paul on Aaron's taste in women (less said on this matter, the
better...)
"I was supposed to lose
10% of my bodyweight within 6 months, and I have. In fact, I think
I lost most of it this morning in the hotel bathroom." - Paul
on the impact that diabetes has had on his figure.
"It's
the worst smell I've ever tasted" - Paul savours the flavour
in the stadium at Bari
"It was an element, now
it's a compound" - Paul explains the physics of James' contraband
"Diet Coke" bottle
"I saw
the pear and thought of Sharon..." - Paul, innocently, on why
he'd airlifted in a box set of dodgy fruit schnapps from Cologne
Airport
"I think she'd ride it
'til it snapped" - Sharon to Rich on Christina Aguilera's "Dirrrty"
video
"Is
it me, or do these trees look like ejaculating phallusses?"
- Ally takes a unique view of the local palm tree foliage in Bari.
"Let's just jack in work
and do this every day" - Bruce on the joys of drinking in a
park to beat the Bari booze ban
Paul: "It's
the best pub in Redhill", Bruce: "Is that like being the
tallest pygmy?" Who says we live in a chavvy part of Surrey?
"Okay, I'm a bit p*ssed,
but you're a f*cking folk hero out here. It's all gone a bit who's
doing the f*cking ironing. Lesbians doing it for themselves"
- a clearly confused Paul texts Helen from a German bar.
"Well,
you're good for train times..." - Helen's mate Lisa compliments
Paul on his organisational skils
"Chris Evans is the only
reason I don't think highly of Billie Piper" - one-man quote
machine Andy the tram architect, on a roll in Edinburgh
"We
make room for buggies and barrels" - Andy on having to squeeze
up on a regular basis in Edinburgh's Halfway House pub
"I've heard about people
like you, but I've never actually met one..." - Shirley to
Paul on hearing of his 100% record for Saints in 1996-97 and his
recent Scotland away game run
"You've
been in England for 20 years - you're the acceptable face of Weegie-ism!"
- Geordie Tram Engineer Andy to Paul
"They all start to blend
into one Über-pub after a while" - a weary Sharon on why
she struggles to pick her favourite Düsseldorf pub
"I actually
like Brut. I haven't smelled it in years and I've never bought it"
- Rich on Cologne.
Kenny to Jim after 26 minutes
of the Fortuna game - "Look, there's still people coming in!";
Jim's reply - "Why - did you think you were at Ibrox and they
were leaving already?
Sharon on
Keira Knightley - "No 'cupcakes' there"; Rich - "Whatever,
Kitty Cat"
"Are you taking a photo
or making a p*rn film?" - An exasperated Bruce waiting for
Paul to set up a group shot
Bruce - "Steve's
been away with that talcum powder for an awfully long time";
Kenny - "If it comes back looking like cocoa powder, then you
should worry"
"I'm looking for a cross
between a fried egg and a football stud" - from a discussion
on nipples
"Get
yourself the Elvis '68 comeback on DVD - it's the best thing you'll
ever do. Well, apart from a threesome" - NATA's #1 Elvis fan
gets things into perspective
"He said he had beer
- it was like some dodgy guy offering sweets or asking if we wanted
to see his puppies. We could see his puppies every time he bent
over - his trousers were falling off." - Bruce on going to
a strangers flat in Düsseldorf
Paul asking
Stevie about the TV Tower - "Have you got a fear of heights?";
Stevie: "No. I've got a fear of exercise!"
"Now is not the time
for complicated business transactions" - Paul addresses the
assembled hungover masses at the Sunday lunchtime session
"The
most annoying thing about last night was having to pay to vomit"
- Helen bemoans the pay-as-you-go culture in Düsseldorf's beer
halls
"I woke up this morning
(da-da-da-dum)
She sat on my face (da-da-da-dum)
I said trim your p*ssy (da-da-da-dum)
It's a f*cking disgrace (da-da-da-dum)"
Singing the blues, NATA style
"Kevin
Donnelly: the only man who's been refused a happy meal" - Stevie
recounts a comment he heard recently
"When you sit in the
sunshine, can of stella in hand only a few yards from Anna Kournikova`s
arse, you realise what a great sport tennis is" - Captain Vodka's
All Sports Show.
"I
was rather put off by the title because I thought it was for the
elderly; the notion of a 'tartan army' brought mental images of
geriatrics in tartan wondering around the Vicky Park complaining
of the young people" - ex-Netley resident Beci Carter explains
her confusion around the website name.
"I'm not a four-assed monkey"
- Sharon clears things up for us
"I'm a spoon virgin
no more" - Sharon, just after snorting Becherovka from a spoon
in Spinnstube, obviously
"He's probably passed out, given
that all the blood has gone to his cock" - Sharon completes
her Düsseldorf hat-trick by explaining why Aaron's Amsterdam
texts had dried up by mid-evening.
"All the mirrors in your house must have
come from the fairground!" - Kev takes Paul with a pinch of
salt when he explains how certain colours make him look fatter.
"Neil Diamond gives
me the horrors" - a visibly shocked Roisin hurries from the
function room to the strains of Sweet Caroline at the Loony Alba
St Andrews do.
"I've got my finger in a few pies"
- Tam McG paints a picture after Paul asking if he was still single.
"Paul's prick test
came back twice as bad it should have" - Helen reveals the
results of Paul's test. His blood test for diabetes.
"I'm in the army - I've seen it all before"
- Tam recalls sharing a room in Moldova.
"I used to be called
'D.A.P'" - Tam explains his old nickname (the first word is
deep, the last penetration). Apparently it was written on the back
of his helmet...
"I thought it looked like a bikers convention.
Then I remembered I was in Germany" - Bruce and Tam talk Düsseldorf
rock bars.
Bruce: "They're fun for all the family";
Sharon: "No they're not"; Bruce: "I wasn't talking
about immediate family, more like me, Paul, the Tartan Army...".
Bruce on his two favourite subjects.
On Bert’s hair. Paul: “Madchester
was 15 years ago – let it go man!”; Helen (to Mike Robson):
“It’s the male equivalent of mutton dressed as lamb”;
Ally: “Is this a mid-life crisis or what?”; Mike: “Look
at the state of you, you f*cking idiot”
Paul to Bruce: “Football was one
of the main reasons Helen and I were mates”. Bruce to Paul:
“Sharon’s breasts were what brought us together”
Rich (on Paul’s fleece): “It wouldn’t
fit me”; Paul: “You don’t need to put your ego
in it”
“Everything’s
really slow here. Imagine the prostitutes – you must get really
good value for money” Helen on Kyiv’s lack of service
culture
“I tried pigs ears in Madrid in May. It
was the first time I’d eaten hairy food” - Kevin Donnelly
fires up everyone’s appetites
“You might be a Catholic but you’re
not a Fenian; him, on the other hand, he’s a Protestant and
a Fenian” Uncredited, obviously - we do know the nicest people...
“Just think, you could have been The Proclaimers”
– Bert to Mike and Chris Robson
On Ally Maciver and Pete Hillin showing
off they can still fit their original 1986 and 1990 WC shirts –
Bert: “It’s like f*cking Madame Tussauds”, Paul:
“A living exhibit for the Hampden Museum”, Bruce: “Frank
McGarvey and Danny McGrain”
“What are you going to do for a honeymoon?
Stay at home?” Marky Adams on hearing Paul and Helen are getting
married
“… the last remaining habitat
of the European bison…” Paul chews the fat with the
stewardesses whilst waiting to disembark the plane.
“He’d only brought another one back
for a cheeky BJ, which for some reason he thought would be quieter”
– an unnamed footsoldier on his roommate
“It’s all in acrylic”
– Jim Brown struggles to get to grips with the menu
“Ukrainian cola: it’s made in Chernobyl
from cooling rods” – Paul on the local soft drinks
“There’s only one thing to
do at time like this: jobby jelly” – Chris Houston on
getting shunted from his apartment, before going on to describe
in detail the combined effects of warmed jelly solution and defecation
on a household toilet.
“It looked like reactor core crazy golf”
– Bruce on the scale model of the Chernobyl reactor
“As much as I would love a stormtrooper
outfit, I’ve nowhere to wear it” – Rich on Star
Wars
“It’s like a cool breeze blowing
up your kilt” – Bruce recalls Tom Small’s advice
on Lanacane talc
“I ate Kenny’s
soft cheese with blue bits” – Bruce, on the garlic butter
at Chernobyl
“I love it when Sharon… damn it,
this is going to become a quote now…” – Bruce
shows he’s learning, albeit slowly
“Anti Fascist Action? Is that where
you shag fascist aunties?” – someone (who shall remain
nameless) on Kyiv’s graffiti
“This is Paul – what do you think
he’s going to look like? A bronzed Greek Adonis?” –
Helen shows her concern after fears Paul is going to be stripped
and gang-raped by some over-friendly locals
“If it wasn’t for footballers
like Ally McCoist, you’d be in trouble” – Helen
explains her fascination with the chunkier man
“No amount of talc is going fix what I’ve
got” – Ally on the boys
“I won’t be lectured on appearances
by you!” – Rich to Paul
“It’s not easy to sleep with a fishermen’s
friend in your mouth” – Ally, possibly on his Brora
upbringing
“It’s not about luck: this
is me your talking about, not Chris!” – Rich, showing
more than a little disrespect for his “wingman”
“I reckon if you made a wallet out of
Rich’s scrotum, it would look like that” – Ally
on Paul’s designer black and white wallet
“It’s like trying to fit an
oblong beer into a round hole” – Paul on leaving some
of his last Obolon.
Paul: “My own view is that women should
be soft and spongy to the touch”; Ally: “What? Like
a good Madeira cake?”
“If I was going
out with some bird and found out she had nipples like mine, I wouldn’t
be disappointed” – Ally on Rich’s favourite subject
“I don’t particularly want my knackers
flapping around in the dust at Chernobyl” – Bruce on
why he was never planning on wearing a kilt on the day trip
“It’s just
like the Sports Café – you don’t really need
a ticket, you’ll still get in” – Ally on heaven
Paul: “Think Richard Briers”, Ally
“What? Is he black?” – Ally gets his 1970s comedians
confused
The scene: Magoo (aka
“Sir William Geronomino Wallace”) staggers into a hotel
reception in Vilnius, dressed in kilt and full Indian headdress
and mumbling incoherently. The receptionist looks him up and down
with disdain and asks: “Do you have a reservation?”
(relayed to Rich by some guys in the foyer who overheard).
Paul: "We went in an estate pub...",
James: "What? Did it go further back than a normal pub?"
"What is this - a
new Soul Boy revolution? Get your Wedge in first?" Disco Keith
questions Rich's hairstyle. Envy, surely?
"I almost spilt my champagne" - Paul
on the bumpy landing in Vilnius
"Look on the bright
side - at least your kilt won't get wet!" - Paul consoles Ally
on the delay of his luggage.
"You must have been on steroids as a kid!"
- Kev still doesn't believe that Paul's authentic 1990 shell jacket
still fits him, 16 years on.
"At least we know
Sharon's having a good time - all fifteen of her nipples are erect"
- Paul casts aspersions on Sharon's visible bra line.
"You should have given it to him before
the game - that way he could have lost it himself!" - Ally
consoles a fellow footsoldier on the loss of a gift
Paul: "It''s a rough
pub. It's full of stuffed animals and shell suited Russian jakies",
Bruce: "At least it's not shell suited animals and stuffed
Russian jakies!"
"Trakai the noo?" Kenny, asking if
the NATA trip to Trakai Castle was still going ahead
Susan (to Ally in Lokys
restaurant): "If you're eating beaver, then you're sleeping
in a different room!", Kenny (to Susan): "You know, you're
the first woman I've ever heard say that!"
"Ten quid. Managed to get them both in
as well" - Sharon talks up the bargain of getting a t-shirt
to fit her ample bosom.
"I'd be safer swimming
with Steve Irwin than going out with Stevie Imlach" - Bruce
skillfully merges two of the week's tragedies into one.
"Neil Sedaka" - Ally's take on the
Lithuanian toast "I Sveikata"
"I believe a cheesecake
should only be fruit based" - Rich rants over dessert, whilst
somehow missing the entire point of the confection in question
Paul (to Rich, having narrowly missed him in
a pub): "I'd have liked to have seen you last night",
Rich: "Why, was Helen not putting out?"
Paul (singing): "I
know song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves...",
Bruce (walking behind with an brolley): "I've got an umbrella
that'll fit up your arse, fit up your arse..."
Bruce (walking past Worthing's only gay bar
and looking in the window): "There's an awful lot of women
in this gay bar", Helen: "Yes, but they don't normally
have their curtains open like that"
"If I stand up with
my knees together... I can't, 'cos my bag's in the way" - Ally
bragging about his, erm, rucksack in Flamme D'Or, Tokyo's designer
Asahi beerhall
Ally - "There's a new 100m record";
Paul - "I know - I set it whilst running for the hotel toilet
this morning!"
"So Japaneasy, oh
this is so Japaneasy" - Chant first started by Ally M in Kobe
"We can see you Nippon out" - Scotland
crowd to Japanese nearing the end of the game.
"No wonder their
hair is so straight - none of the sandwiches have crusts" -
Helen uncovers a scientific reason behind Japanese genetics
"If you open that jacket he's wearing and
look in the pocket, you'll see me in there" - Ally McCoist
to Paul on being shown a photo of Guido Buchwald (taken 1 hour earlier
in Bernd's)
"Next time we do
it without the Italians" - German guy in Bernd's Bar relaying
a comment from an elderly Japanese man in an Onsen (Japanese bath)
Chris - "If I can eat a cow, I can eat
a horse"; Paul - "It's the same thing, just a bit slimmer,
longer neck, smaller tits"
"Horriday Inn Expless"
- Paul to a Kobe cabbie, after five unsuccessful attempts of "Holiday
Inn Express". It worked, despite the howls of laughter from
the back seat.
"Hawaii Five One" - Ally sums up the
effect of Paul's shirt
Helen: "I've got
some hot pants in the first aid kit", Chris "It's okay,
I've a blue pill that does that instead" - hot "pads"
apparently. For Paul's bruised back.
"The hotel room is only for sleeping"
- That's me telt, then
"You've less far
to fall, and less far to fall when you fall on it" - Helen
consoles Paul after an incident with an elevator door, his backside
and a small step in Ryan's Bar
"They've said that to us several times
so far on this trip, and been proved wrong each time" - Chris'
reply to Paul on being told check out is 11am
"Do you think I have
an extendable tripod in my sporran?" - Chris H again. It was
rhetorical.
"Taste this - it makes your teeth chewy...
I can't eat this" - Chris Houston on drinking Shochu. He later
admitted "it was the best shochu I've ever had"
"Ally McMoist"
- Ali Nish shares her teenage nickname for Coisty (which was later
repeated to the man himself)
"Sofia, so good" - Tam at half-time
in the Bulgaria game
"Like a home from
home" - Ally to Paul on finding the German-themed New Munchen
Sapporo brewpub in Kobe
"it's like skis - once you cross them at
the bottom, it's all over" - Helen fears broken legs from her
chopsticks
"... and then they
ate the prunes!" - Kenny foresees what our waitress will be
telling her pals down the pub after work
"Octopus is cheap here - three for a squid"
- Tam Coyle preys on Paul's jet lag
"There comes a time
in every man's life when he realises that Guinness isn't really
'good for you'" - Paul gives Bruce the benefit of his drinking
experience
"You looked bloody enormous the other day
- I thought you were going to pop", closely followed by "Don't
put anything sharp near him - he'll explode!" - Selden regulars
Darren and Craig gang up on Paul (when he was at his peak, a few
years ago)
"This scooping thing
is getting far too serious. It's only a matter of time before you're
tagging extra flights/trains/taxis/camels onto trips so you can
go to two horse towns en-route that have a "special treacle
and raspberry pants" flavour pint of utterly undrinkable warm
toilet cleaner that is still fermenting in your glass..." -
Ally M expresses his doubts around Paul's dedication to the art
of "scooping" (trying new beers)
Easyjet stewardess: “Excuse me, sir, but
you are not allowed to drink your own alcohol onboard this flight”;
Unknown footsoldier: “It’s alright – it’s
not my alcohol, it’s his!” (overheard by Bruce)
“This is the second
time in three trips – we must be making a hobbit of this!”
- Ally M on the train ride into Postojna caves
“If the accordion had never been invented,
there’d be no music in continental Europe” – Machar
seems unimpressed by Slovenian polka.
“Look me in the
face – control your energy” – American woman to
her playful 6-8 year old kids in Slovenia
“I don’t believe Paul when he says
he doesn’t go for blondes!” - Ally watches Paul chat
to glamorous brewery tour guide Tina.
"Za popola užitek"
(Trans: "For perfect pleasure") – slogan right across
glamorous Tina’s bra strap. "Its about the beer",
apparently.
“It flashes when he pokes it” –
Helen on Paul’s badge
“I’ve put
so much talc on this morning I’m scared to fart in case I
turn into Puff the Magic Dragon!” – unknown footsoldier
overheard by Jim Brown at breakfast in Slovenia.
“What’s your first name Campbell?”
– Unknown footsoldier “Paul” to Campbell Burton
(courtesy of Tam Coyle)
“At 8 o’clock,
this place turns into a gay bar” – guy in Glasgow pub
to Rich, just before he left (at 7.55pm)
“They’ve got their own slippers”
– Sharon throws some stones out of her own glass house when
passing comment on an older lady's unfeasibly large breasts.
“I was hoping it
would be miserable today” – Kevin confides his weather
hopes to Bruce.
“He stores it in a thimble at home”
– Chris Houston reveals how Stevie Imlach manages to crease
the uncreasable Scotland shirt.
“You’re moaning
about getting squashed, yet you’re going out with him!?”
– an incredulous Kevin D to Helen after she complained about
how busy the pub was getting.
“I’ve never actually been offered
money by a jakey before” – Paul in Iron Horse, after
being offered £2 to go and get a weary local a drink
“Was it like a tequila
sunrise?” – Rich questions Paul on the make up of his
sh*te after listening to the three-stage theory (solid, pebble-dashing,
liquid)
“How gorgeous are you?” –
middle aged woman to Rich in Allison Arms after the Belarus defeat
"It's fair to say
we didn't let it ruin our night!" - Paul at work, when asked
how the England score had been received in Norway.
"If you had a full body
wax, you'd be about 10-and-a-half stone" - Sharon shows Bruce
how to lose 4 stone overnight.
"That's George Best's
liver f*cked again!" - text received in Oslo (immediately after
Northern Ireland beat England 1-0) from Welsh Steve.
"I don't like hot dogs,
but I love sausage" - A glamorous, and anonymous, young lady
from WESTA to the guy on the counter of a late-night Oslo kebab
van.
"i've just paid over
£5 a pint - don't spill a f*cking drop!" - Paul to Bruce
and Craig, immediately before Bruce left the full pint on the table
at chucking-out time in The Belfry, Oslo.
"There's nothing wrong with sitting in
the corner with a sour face" - Kevin explains the secret of
unhappiness to Sharon.
"Is that new svelte
physique because you've just sh*t half of it out?" - Stevie
Imlach questions Paul's dieting technique.
"I'm surprised he hasn't been harpooned"
- Bruce, on hearing that Charlie Miller's career lives on in Norway.
"I don't understand
what all this fuss is about over this new technology that changes
bits of the shirt colour when you're hot - my t-shirts have had
that for years!" - Paul, feeling the heat before the Italy
home match.
"We can celebrate my birthday in Brussels
and yours in Berlin. Just like Eisenhower". Paul discusses
his Winter 2005 timetable with Rich, ahead of each other's 30th
birthdays.
Paul - "I've taken
Immodium - nothing's coming out of my arse until tomorrow morning!",
Michael "Is that why all the sh*te's coming out of your month?"
(in The Horsehoe before the Italy home match).
"I'm in an over-40's single bar in Graz
with Neil Diamond on the jukebox. This, my friend, really is the
sh*t"- A delirious text from Paul on the Tuesday night in Austria.
"Do you ever spend
a weekend at home? You know, just for a holiday?" - Bruce despairs
of Paul's wanderlust.
"You'd be self-conscious too if all you'd
been able to smell for the past week is the stench of your own b*llocks"
- Paul to Bruce on why his kilt needed Febreze.
"Turns out two of
the things I've eaten are explosive when combined. It was only 3.1
on the Allison Scale" - Bruce explains his lengthy absence
from the table.
"I don't where we are, but we're definitely
somewhere" - Bruce clears things up on the hydrofoil to Bratislava.
"Let's not get too
excited - it might just be Cal Mac with fins" - Bruce keeps
it real over anticpation of the Vienna-Bratislava hydrofoil.
"I like Snoopy, you like porn" - An
anonymous member of the "Couples TA" to her other half.
"Your hair smells
lovely with your new beer shampoo" - Kevin D to Sharon after
generously sharing his beer with her (and dozens of others) after
Scotland's second goal.
"You mean you've never had an erection
at work!?" - A disbelieving, and anonymous, NATA member over
a beer in Austria.
"We've just ran over
a dwarf" - Ally on the Schlossbergbahn underground railway
as it bumped its way over the points
"Thanks for pulling those in - I wouldn't
want to crush them!" - Random guy to Paul's balls as he manoeuvred
his way past in the ground.
"He's like Popeye
from the waist down" - Shambles on Big Greg's calves (I hope!)
"Helen, where's the trouser press?"
"It's next to the teasmaid" "Where's that?"
"With Sherpa number 3" - Tartan Teddy puts his own spin
on Paul and Helen's "comprehensive" packing methods.
Rich: "In my book, if you make breakfast,
it's the sign of a really bad night"; Paul: "No. It's
a sign you're a hotel chef" - Paul and Rich discuss breakfasting
on tour
"If they're handing out beer mats so we
don't stain the furniture, maybe I should have one for my b*llocks?"
Paul, sat on the wooden benches in Minsky Brovar
"Le Tissier? He was fat and over-rated"
- Chris' mate Dave mortally offends Rich by criticising ex-Saints
hero and all round nice guy Matt Le Tiss
Paul: "There's room for both Scotland
and Alba on the shirt", Helen: "Aye, only on yours"
- Helen stands by her man.
"He ate a bunch of grapes at Berlin
station and then left a trail of devastation across the railway
tracks of eastern Germany. They were the Grapes of Wrath!"
- Craig T recounts the story of Disco's train travels.
"With mates like that, you want to hang
around with us more!" - Ally to Rich (on Paul).
"When did you get in?" "I
was sat next to you on the plane!" - Rich responds to a forgetful
traveller in the top-floor toilets of the Hotel Belarus.
"You're not secret anymore!" - Scott
& Phil sing to a "secret" policeman in Moscow having
been shown his identification.
"Are you sure you want to be here?
You might accidentally brush against a no-pointer!" - An anonymous
footsoldier makes a passing comment to a distinguished NATA member
in the Shed before the Moldova home game.
"That's it - I've had my money's worth.
I'm f*cking off!" - Paul, after Zidane's wonder-goal in the
Stade de France on 13 minutes.
"The "eating all the pies"
bit refers only to you. I don't think you left any for Rich"
- Paul and Rich's old schoolmate Bryony explains her comment on
the guestbook ("Went to school
with Paul and Rich where they looked exactly the same but before
eating all the pies").
"Why do they grow
dead plants here?" An unidentified footsoldier, confused by
the fields of harvested corn, overheard on the bus into Moldova
(thanks to John W from the Shetland TA for this one)
"This takes your wee pub round the
corner to a whole new dimension" - Sumo sums up first impressions
of the trip to the karaoke bar in Saronno.
"Deep fry your pizzas,
we're going to deep fry your pizzas" - best song of the Milan
trip, heard on the bus to the ground.
Craig: "Do you know what's wrong with
youngsters these days?...", Bruce "Aids". A stinging
riposte at the start of one of Craig's middle-aged, reactionary
rants.
"Beverino Rosso"
- the brand of wine purchased in 175ml bottles for a mere €1.50
at a stall to the side of Centrale Stazione. Unfortuately all the
beverino was gone by the time Signor Rosso made it to the party.
"We have the whole south end, so if
I want someone to p*ss on me, unfortunately I'm just going to have
to pay the going rate" - Paul informs Welsh Steve by text that
it was only raindrops falling on our heads.
"I'm on the last
hole myself" - Ally texts Bruce with progress reports. On his
kilt straps.
"I wasn't sure whether to try a German
sausage, but then I thought what's the würst that could happen?"
- Less of a quote, more a way of life, from Paul at the Mannheim
Future Game (and all over Germany in the days before!).
"This is Germany
- she'd probably sh*t in his mouth" - Bruce concludes a long
and hypothetical story at Heidelberg station, involving a leggy
student lady, a dwarf (both seen in the nightclub the previous evening)
and a long skirt...
"Someone sh*t in the turkey!"
- Gav recalls the words of a traumatised 15 year old class mate
many Christmasses ago, after a successful* party prank. (* Success
herebeing measured by the prankster, rather than the turkey eaters!)
"I suppose you need
a good solid consistency. Imagine if you were pebble-dashing - the
recipient would need to be wearing goggles" - Craig considers
the intricacies of coprophilia in Germany.
"Dinnae put yourselves down - some
of you are no' bad looking" - Rae from Dingwall to a Cardiff
lassie who'd just explained her and her pals were on a "Boots
night out" (Thanks to Gary
Macdonald for this one)
"Well, I suppose a threesome's out of
the question, then?" - Rae again, on having his marraige proposal
("Marry me and come back to Scotland") politely refused
by two Estonian models involved in a promotion at Tallinn airport.
(Thanks to Gary Macdonald for this
one)
"Rich oozes testosterone - he does
his hair with it" - Paul comments on Rich's overt manliness.
Paul, describing a night out in Bremen - "We
were out with three Finnish students"; Ally - "What, were
they graduates?"
"Do you not think maybe you should
leave the computer alone for a while and go for a jog?" - Rich
passes on his fitness tips to Paul.
"You're going for a swim in the lake tomorrow?"
- Ally somehow mishears Helen tell Paul "you're calves will
ache tomorrow" after a steep climb.
"Sorry - they only wanted their photograph
taken with the fat one" - A Romanian tourist in Chisinau apologises
for his friends' choice of photo opportunity.
"That is one lucky rabbit. If there's a
way to go, it's served up in a warm chocolate gravy" - Ally
on Chris' dish of "chocolate rabbit" in the Robin Pub
in Chisinau.
"When you don't know what to say,
just stick your fist in the air" - Rich on the international
language of drunken gestures.
"We were victims of an Ashgam Tea propaganda
coup" - Tevo explains his group's choice of baseball cap.
"Can we leave now? These guys are
doing my head in" - the boot on the other foot for Buckfast
Warrior in a Chisinau "wine bar".
"I don't know how it got here, but I'm
looking into it" - Paul on a hole in a Chisinau street.
"Has he found the road yet?"
- someone at the back of Tartan Teddy's minibus on the trip in from
the airport.
"Fernando Maciver" - sign held by
Moldovan travel agent Radu Sargu, by request of Tartan Teddy.
"It's not a kilt, it's a hovercraft
curtain" - Paul casts aspersions over the origins of "Breakfast
Worrier's"* kilt (the names have been changed to protect the
guilty).
"I think Paul's the
ideal weight....for a man carrying a piano" - Campbell Burton
gives Paul some dieting encouragement
"There's nothing high tech about Helen
watching me having a p*ss" - Paul voices his disdain over the
window in the door of his "High Tech" hotel bedroom in
Valencia.
"If you emptied your
minibar, do you think you could fit your kilt in there overnight?"
- Ally considers his options to combat Valencia's humidity.
"If I had to eat anything on that
plate, it would be the lemon" - Ally, less than impressed with
the starter choices on offer at the paella lunch.
"Me and Helen are
sharing melon" - Sharon, waxing lyrical about dessert.
"Tam will never use a word when a
sentence will do" - an astute observation from Munich/Barcelona
Brian, after having met Tam Coyle just once.
"I've never really
used one to it's full extent before" - Brian speaking enthusiastically
about bidets.
"It's like a drinking fountain for
your bum" - Ally, less enthusiastically, on the same subject.
"It was like Ardrossan
with humidity" - Lewis and Andy from Dunbar are less than impressed
with Valencia's seafront.
"Wait until it gets down here and
then start sucking" AND "That's for getting the thick
stuff out of the bottom" - Ally, offering advice on how to
drink sangria.
"I'm a pretty potent
guy" - Sumo from Milngavie boasts he can measure up to the
Clockwork's beer menu.
"She's worth a cuddle" - Russell
(Milngavie Tartan Army) gives his opinion on one of the Clockwork's
waitresses before the Hungary game.
"It's the best garment
in the world for urination and fornication" Raz's dad, Max,
explains the role of the kilt to Helen.
Paul: "I've got acute dyspepsia";
Tam: "What's that?"; Paul: "It's like a normal dyspepsia,
only cuter"
"It tastes mecidinal"
- Paul, having a drink more "medicinal" that anticpated,
offisher.
"My tongue is swollen, and I don't
know why!" - Funny at the time; not so funny after a week with
a painful, swollen tongue.
"The only man I know who doesn't take
condoms on tour - he takes steradent" - Disco Keith makes a
barbed remark on Tam's choice of lady.
"Does your mouth bleed every month?"
Andy's Dad Colm, quoting Rab C Nesbitt.
"I love you from
the bottom of my bottom" - Grant explains how 'deep is his
love' to Gerry.
"What's your favourite bit? The brain
or the spleen?" Helen casts aspersions over Paul's weisswurst
sausage.
"You know the best
thing about having a sh*te in Germany? The 'European Inspection
Shelf' let's you see what you've done!" Conversation overheard
between footsoldiers in a Dortmund hotel elevator.
"Would you look at the mess down there!"
- A frowning Susan, looking down at her lap.
"There are various
levels of jakeydom" - Craig McDowall explains the facts of
Buckfast in Denmark.
"Why don't you leave Paul, and then
you won't have to watch this sh*te?" Crabby (one of the Kirrie
Boys) tries reasoning with Helen.
"Do you have a cricket team? Great! Send
them down so we can get the hat-trick!" A Welshman to Tom Small
(thanks to Tom for this one).
"I don't mind homosexuality,
as long as no-one tries to ram it down my throat" - discussing
homophobia in Cardiff pubs before the game.
""The last two away games have been
10 against and none for!", "Oh, don't be so negative -
if you count the last three it's only 12-1" - Bizarre conversation
overheard in Barfly, Cardiff after the game.
"Just like Amsterdam,
with less drugs and uglier hookers" - Paul's view on that sad
night in Cardiff.
"'Mon Scotland, we can still do these"
- an optimistic Tam Coyle, towards the end of the Amsterdam massacre,
thanks to Scott Kelly.
The scene: Tom Small's
hotel bedroom door on the Thursday morning in Amsterdam: "Thank
f*ck you woke me up, I was having a nightmare and Scotland were
getting beaten 6-0" - Tom Small, courtesy of Maurice Fae Forres.
"The future's bright, but it's not f*ckin'
orange!" - an optimistic (and ultimately misled) Mike Robson
on the way to the pub after the first leg victory.
"I think we must
have made them angry" - Paul after the second leg in Amsterdam.
"My cousin w@nks me off too" - a message
scrawled on a t-shirt in a bar in Den Haag, following a confessional
moment on the way home from Dortmund from a fellow TA traveller
at Utrecht (Thanks to denhaagdavid for this one!)
"Who are these men
in kilts and where has our beer gone?" A - Croatian newspaper
headline in 2001, translated by Grant from Copenhagen.
"Can I have the cherry off the top of your
hat?" - The Wee Man whets his appetite by looking at Rich's
glengarry
"The long thin ones - I can't swallow
them" - Susan gives her opinion on paracetamol capsules. Obviously.
"It reminds of how much I want to go back
to Zagreb" - Helen relives fond memories looking at a picture
of a Dalmation puppy performing orally on a rabid bulldog!
"If there's one thing that's not
cricket, it's square sausage" - You'd never tell the Wee Man
was from a Hampshire village, would you?
"You can tell they haven't just knocked
it up on the cheap!" - The Wee Man enthuses about the architecture
of Bucharest's National Bank of Romania.
"I still haven't
remembered what it is that I forgot" - Neither have we, Helen,
neither have we.
"Are you enjoying your first time in a
pub?" - Gavin Bhunno to Helen, after watching her spill her
drink
"Kev who?" -
Gav again, having obviously never heard of Donnelly's status as
TA Legend
"Brighton Beach!? More like Brighton Quarry!"
- Ally Ewan expresses his disillusionment with Brighton's star tourist
attraction.
"She loves standing
on it to make it go" - Carry On Escalators, as Paul tries to
explain Helen's fascination with the German pressure plate ones
"I've perfect skin, gonnae give me my Lloyd
Cole?" - Tam Coyle speculates on Davie Macdonald's pulling
technique.
"Aren't you worried
about it getting caught in travelators?" - Big Jim is flabergasted
that Mike and Paul never trim downstairs, after a discussion in
Oslo.
"Just close your eyes and put it in your
mouth" - Freda explains her technique (for eating mussels)
"I'm part of the TA BA Elite"
- half-man, half-donkey "Horse" succintly sums up his
disregard for the budget airlines flying into Torp in Norway
"Football is for
low budget people" - A random punk jakie explains his theory
of sport to TA Executive Club Member Jim Brown in an Oslo rockers
bar.
"SAS - Scandinavian Arse Syndrome.
They all sit on their backsides studying until they're 30, then
settle down to have kids: anything to avoid getting a job!"
- An un-named* TA traveller explains to Paul why Scandinavian women
can be curvier than you may expect. (* so as not to damage the trade
in his Copenhagen pub!)
"I'm a vegetarian - I eat milk..."
Paul casts doubt on the hygiene conditions in his well-stocked fridge
Ross (ANZTA) to waitress "I'm single,
by the way", Waitress to Ross "That's good, I'm pregnant"
"I'm wearing a pink
shirt, a skirt and no underwear... she will be mine!" - Wee
Davie sums up his pulling tactics on the way to Teplice, June 1999.
"You like Polish women, I like Scottish
women..." - A student in Poland, after introducing me to his
girlfriend and meeting Helen. Yes, I knew where he was going with
that conversation too.
"You didn't get so big by eating only vegetables"
- A French chef, not someone to say no to a pie himself, expresses
surprise at Paul's "Je suis un vegetarien" comment.
"Try it! It is good for, how you say,
your libido!" - The same French chef, after passing round glasses
of snake brandy (brandy that came out of a bottle containing a pickled
snake).
"How did England get on? You know something?
I'd rather w*nk dogs!" - The incomparable Tam Coyle, disembarking
from the Bull & Bush bus at Copacabana (Rimini, Oct 2000)
"I'll sit on it - I hatch beer"
- 69-year old WESTA member Moira on the bus from Keflavik Airport
to the City, after being told the last free seat was being used
to stash a carry-out.
"Lovely Pups" - Helen's t-shirt in
Reykjavik (featuring a picture of two seal pups, in case you were
wondering)
"Why not just leave it behind reception"
-Ally in Torshavn, immediately after a 5 minute discussion about
leaving Rocky's jacket behind reception.
"Has anyone seen the Great Chico?"
- Paul in Torshavn, blissfully unaware that Chic Young was at the
next table
"They love the beef! The birds love
the Scottish beef!" - Brian's cousin Martin, immediately before
the England play-off at Hampden, immediately after telling Paul
that "it's great being a fat c*nt, isn't it?"
"Oh, just the milk then" - The usual
suspect, after being knocked back by an eighteen-year-old shop assistant
"Last night I took one for the team"
- Inverness David, recalling an incident on the way back to his
Brussels hotel, on the value of teamwork in the Tartan Army
"It's okay, it's only 5 minutes away now"
- Paul in Paris, at least 20 minutes before arriving at The Highlander
on foot
Drunk TA footsoldier in Hotel Hafnia reception
- "Look at the t-shirt - "Misbehavin in Torshavn - superb!
There's always one..."
Paul - "Actually, there's four of us..."
Drunk guy - "... There's always four..."
"Alan, have you seen Paul?" - Helen
in Mainz, asking Alan Duncan where Paul is, whilst leaning over
Paul to ask the question.
"It tastes of gardens" - Helen
describes a pint of Harvey's award-winning Sussex real ale to Ally
& Sue the night before the Loony Alba St Andrews do.
"I thought it would kiss me" - Rich,
on being asked what he expected would happen after he was bitten
by a turtle in Rimini.
"No mate, you'll burn all the alcohol
off!" - Adam the Kiwi air pilot on ordering sambucas in Mainz
Tam Small (aka "Battle Bus Commander"/"BBC"
on the TAMB) on being interviewed by the BBC:
Interviewer: "Hello, BBC..."
Tam Small : "Aye, that's me. What's your TAMB name?"
(Thanks to Dianne for this one)
"The food's great but the portions
are a bit small" - That man Tam Coyle again, allegedly, describing
Tapas
"Pull your socks up lads, otherwise no-one
will take you seriously" - An elderly Scottish ex-pat in a
Paris gay bar opposite Stolly's.
"My a***hole must be confused - it
seems to think my kilt is edible" - Campbell "The Fringe"
Burton, in the Warka Strong Club, Poland.
"10% of the travelling support are still
in their beds, and the other two are trying to get him up"
- Tom on why the "Antalya 7" failed to become the Antalya
Ten.
"I've seen US Marines
in the Gulf with less round their belts than you" - Kevin Donnelly
expresses his disgust at Paul's pre-Iceland match attire.
"There's an L-shaped square" - Paul
defies the laws of geometry when describing the centre of Vilnius.
"He wakes up in the middle of the
night to check he's not lost any sleep" - Ewan Gitsham describes
Jon Burgon's attitude towards spending money.
"But have they got good upper bodies?"
- Wee Davie demands more details on exactly how gorgeous Korean
ladies are.
"Are you ready for a war?" -
The Griffin's resident drunk, Joe, just after muttering his other
catchphrase "Stand on me, big man"
"Fat is the new black" - NATA's fashion
guru, Rich, passes comment on Paul's unique style
"Do you have one that
tastes of frazzles?" - Paul shows his malt whisky connoisseur
credentials in the Griffin
An English
girl in Dublin asking the somewhat tiresome question of what a Scotsman
wears under his kilt continues "C'mon then, put your money
where your mouth is!" - "Tell you what, why don't you
put your mouth where my money is?" came the reply.
"There's nae need tae
panic until Celine Dion starts singing !" - Maurice fae Forres
on the way to Kaunas 2003, to a panic-ridden assortment of footsoldiers
in steerage on the Stockholm-Tallinn ferry just after it hit ice.
"I'd
get fed up being mistaken for Pierre Van Hooydonk, he's an ugly
bastard" - Maurice fae Forres to Pierre Van Hooydonk after
the game in an Arnhem pub.
"Aye, and I suppose you're
an apron waving blue nosed bastard yourself" - Maurice fae
Forres in the Ibrox toilets (Bosnia 1999) to one of Glasgow's finest
- he saw no more of the game.
(Thanks to Maurice Hickey for the
three quotes above)
MORE TO COME SHORTLY!
With my memory not being what it used to
be, please email any quotes* worthy of
inclusion to me for consideration (don't worry, full credit will
be given).
(*That's what was actually said, not what
you wish you'd said after you'd thought about it for a while!)
You
said what? Special Disclaimer
This page is intended purely for fun. If you are featured in any
of the quotes and you wish to have them removed, please email
Paul.