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(This article was first published in the Worthing FC Programme in the 2002-2003 season)
A local special for a local game between local teams for local people…
Come home, come home, come home…
Lewes
Prounced “lose”. Be warned, the hills have eyes. Our country cousins from the east call it the “Dripping Pan”, and on the evidence of our last visit, they weren’t kidding, as streams of effluent flow freely. Not a ground to visit the day after a Gurkha vindaloo. Lewes: it’s like one big family.
You best move on, sir… don’t go up on the moors.
Bognor Regis
What more is there to say about our stumpy-piered neighbours? Don’t know where it is yet? Look for Pagham on a map and you’ll find a small town near it. Alternatively, if coming by alien spacecraft, simply scan the monitors for the mothership.
Say something nice: The bread pudding is nice, apparently. A bit stodgy for my defined tastes, but what can you do, eh? What can you do?
Horsham
Horse ham? Sounds a bit French to me. That would be Eddie, he plays in defence. Compulsory to own a landrover, green wellies and a barbour jacket. If you’re called Tarquin or Chloe, all the better. Some may say it’s merely a suburb of Crawley, personally I see it more as a sleeper town for Dorking.
If it wasn’t for your wellies, where would you be? You’d be in the hospital or infirmary
Crawley Town
More Stumbly Town or Crashing Back to Reality Town at the moment. Crawley’s legendary impatience and refusal to be happy with their lot has led to the departure of Billy Smith. Rumour has it that another Billy Boy is on his way from the Pan.
Roundabouts: Don’t you just love them? West Sussex County Council certainly does, and after their cruel and twisted experiments on the New Town they’ve moved down to sully my peaceful seaside idyll (and the end of my road) with their evil roundabout spawn.
The teams under the stairs:
Eastbourne Borough/Hastings United/St Leonards
I’ve heard talk of such places, beyond the mythical Beddingham Level Crossing, but to be honest, the quality of life is so much better here in leafy West Sussex by the sea that I’ve never felt the need to explore the wild east.
Southwick
Roll up, roll up, roll up to see the authentic working Worthing FC museum at full steam down at Old Barn Way. Don’t spill anyone’s pint in the clubhouse!
Westfield
They do a lovely barbecue! Just don’t park your bus on the main road or you’ll paralyse the main artery between Hastings and Ashford.
Welcome to the jungle
The Flying Horseman
7th Feb 2004