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Alternative song sheet

The idea here is not to provide an exhaustive list of the various Tartan Army songs that are aired on a regular basis, rather to document some of the more weird and wonderful efforts that Iíve heard in the past few years.  If anyone has any other songs for inclusion, or wishes to claim credit for the ones that are here, please mail them to me at

WARNING: these songs do contain offensive language, please do not read any further if you are easily offended.

Index of titles/first lines:

Sang by the Inverness Boys after the France home match, March 2000
(Believed to be an obscure Aberdonian song)

Goodnight Horse
Goodnight Horse
I'll say goodnight to my horse
And as I'm saying goodnight to my horse
I'll say goodnight to my horse
(Repeat until shouted at)

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Drink around the clock
(An established classic as donated by Wee John of the Perthshire Tartan Army)

When the clock strikes 1, 2 & 3
15 pints and they're all for me

we're gonna drink around the clock tonite
we're gonna drink drink drink till broad daylight,
we're gonna drink, gonna drink around the clock tonite
Shooby doo, shooby doo, shooby doo doo doo

When the clock strikes 4, 5 & 6
wur off the pints and wur onto nips


When the clock strikes 7, 8 & 9
wur off the nips and wur ontae wine


When the clock strikes 10, 11, 12
Well am awright and hows yersel 
(you must shake someone's hand at thispoint)
Wur gonna drink, gonna drink around the clock tonite
Shooby doo, shooby doo

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Heard in the back-streets of Prague, June 1999:

Czech Repub
Czech Repub
We're the famous Tartan Army
And we're here to check the pubs

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Heard in the Bulldog Pub, Zagreb, October 2000:

(To the tune of 'On Top Of The World' by The Carpenters)
We're on the top of the table
Looking down on Croatia
And the only explanation's Neil McCann
'Cos the one that he scored
And the other two abroad
They have put us on the road to Japan

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Also from the same lads in the Bulldog Pub:

Show me the way to San Marino
Lots of beer and lots of vino
I'm dreaming of two to zero
And Hamann scored for Germany
La-la-laa-la-la-la, Hamann,
La-la-laa-la-la-la, Hamann,
And Hamann scored for Germany

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First heard by Campbell and the Numpties in San Marino, this became an anthem in Croatia:

(To the tune of "That's Amore" by Dean Martin)
When the thing hits the thing
It's a big fucking thing
It's a thingy

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Heard in San Marino, October 2000:

We stole your goalposts
Your only goalposts
We stole your goalposts
And your pitch too
You never knew how much you'd miss them
Until we took your goalposts away

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Heard on the bus up the hill, San Marino:

There's only one Kevin Keegan
Only one Kevin Keegan
With a seventies perm
And an arse full of sperm
Keegan is a f****** p*******

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Heard in the Windmill Bar, Aberdeen (after the Nigeria friendly)

Don't bend down when Sven is around 
'Cos he'll stick his willy up yer arsee 
He goes silly when he sees yer willy 
He goes potty when he sees yer botty 
Silly for willy, potty for botty 
He'll shag yer arse for half a crown 
If you're feeling drunk and you wanna bit of spunk 
You'll be happy when Sven is around

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I'll never drink the wine again
Heard in Rimini, Oct 2000, thanks to Nigel Bruce for this one
(To the tune of Burt Baccharah's "I'll never fall in love again)

What do you get if you drink the wine?
A ten pound fine and a year's probation,
That and a night in the polis station
I'll never drink the wine again,
I'll never drink the wine again

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Puffin down the fjord
(Heard on the dambusters-style landing at Soravagur Airport, Faroe Islands)

We're puffin...
We're puffin...
We're puffin down the fjord,
When you hear the noise of the Tartan Army boys
We'll be puffin down the fjord

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©The Netley Abbey Tartan Army, 2001-2004